waiting to exhale

What do you do when you're extremely happy and at the same time heartbroken? I don't know. Don't know.

The much-awaited Eraserheads reunion concert ended for me, and I think for most of us, on such a strange note. Quite hard to explain. To say that the Eraserheads reunion concert was a rollercoaster ride is an understatement. The gamut of emotions felt last night cannot be fully expressed here.

I first got wind of the concert from my brother's friend Jaemark, whose blog I usually stalk. Apparently the rumors took a life of their own, mostly through the net, and the build-up was the most intense I have ever seen for any concert. More than talk and speculation, there was just so much emotion invested in this event. Simply because we're talking about the Eraserheads. The single most loved phenomenon in the local music industry of this generation. I was about 13 years old when the Eheads were peaking. I've never actually owned an Eheads CD, and until last night I had never been to any of their concerts. But I, like any other sane Pinoy of my age group, absolutely loved them. They are so much a part of contemporary culture , and their songs brought and continue to bring to life what we mortals only thought and felt. They truly are the soundtrack to our lives.

So there it was, for the past month this great big sleeping giant was slowly waking up. And after all that hoopla with Philip Morris, we learned that it was truly pushing through. I bought my tickets at Greenbelt 1 as soon as I could last Thursday. Psyched myself up (as if we could surpass the already immense excitement) by playing Eheads songs at work. Texted people I thought would be coming. I myself was going with Mark, Camille and Len, but I was hoping to meet others there as well (stretching my luck was more like it).

By Saturday we were all pumped up and ready to go. I went to SURP, after which I went back home to get the car, and fetched Camille who was at a fieldtrip in Manila. By this time Mark, Len and I had found ourselves stuck in traffic, under pouring rain, and constantly checking the radiator in fear of overheating.

"What else could go wrong?" was what we kept asking ourselves and each other. Which really meant, what could possibly go wrong during the concert? I mean, this was an Eheads concert, and an extraordinary one at that. Anything could happen. We were almost sure there would be a stampede. Or that the rains would transfer to Makati and drench us all.

But none of those happened. Instead, we were, as if by magic, given SVIP passes. Yessss! I never even thought there was something better than VIP. I said goodbye to my Patron tickets, and proceeded to grab free "pa-demure" sandwiches served on trays by waiters, plus drinks. SVIP - whatever it means - definitely rocks. Too bad I couldn't get Shiva in. Sowi. :(

When the band (are they still a band? they most definitely were tonight) came out after a riveting countdown, it was just...stunning. They looked so sharp, so present, so alive. They were together. Onstage. Singing songs as a band once again. For everyone there, this was a dream come true. This was history.

Len noticed Buddy taking several deep breaths right before they sang the first song, and we knew that they wanted this to work out perfectly. We all did.

It was perfect, really (they sang With A Smile, which basically made my night). It was going so well. Then Ely took a pause after Lightyears (tama ba?) and sat down on the floor. After that they went to intermission for more than thirty minutes, and never came back as a complete group. Instead, Ely's sister read a message saying his brother had been rushed to the hospital.

And then, just silence. Palpable silence, silence in our minds and hearts. It was as if reality had been yanked from underneath us and we were all suspended.

Like I said, anything could happen. Something was bound to happen, and we suspect everyone in the audience felt it right from the beginning. We sensed something was very wrong when Quark and Mich Dulce and everyone else in their, hmm, posse, started to leave. After that, the crew started packing the instruments.

We just didn't want to entertain the thought, I guess. Long after the announcement, we were still in various states of denial. We lingered at the venue for nearly an hour.

Later that night Len pointed out how this concert was, for her, supposed to bring closure to the Eheads saga, a definitive event that would tell us all where they stand, wherever that is.

But we didn't get that ending. That's how it felt for me, unfinished. Just like when they broke up. It was as if someone/something is telling us that there isn't any period to the story yet; wala pa ring tuldok, gustuhin man nating lahat para na rin sa kapanatagan ng loob. Pero wala eh. It's like we've been inhaling for such a long time, and we haven't let the air out yet.

Which is not to say we weren't content. The fact that they were standing onstage together was amazing already, and the 15 songs were more than enough. We didn't even expect them to perform for more than 45 minutes. First song pa lang, sulit na.

And that's the strange thing, this mixture of emotion. The highs and lows in a single blow.

More than anything, we pray for Ely's recovery. Last time I checked he was stable. Thank God. I heard they were set to do 30 songs, and according to Manong Railing (the burly male staff by the railing separating us from the stage) they were supposed to take breaks every 10th song, but Ely pushed it. His health finally gave in after the 15th song. Was thinking maybe he felt he had to push as far as he could, because the moment he stopped to rest, that would be the end of his night (but this is just me overanalyzing).

There's been a growing buzz (yep, this early) about a Part 2. But the producers and promoters haven't said whether or not this is possible. It would depend on a lot things, most of all Ely's health.

A continuation would be great, but that's in the future. Right now, all I know is that the Eheads have made history, and we're all still holding our breath.

083008

'Nuff said.

Evan's A.R.K.

I saw Evan Almighty this weekend, on HBO. I found Bruce Almighty just okay, so I wasn’t too excited about this.

I ended up watching Evan three times wehehe.

Sure, the movie reviews were almost all bad. And I didn’t like Lauren Graham at all (too bad because I’m a Gilmore Girls fan). But I loved it anyway. First of all, Steve Carell is absolutely hilarious. He has a humor that is totally irreverent and yet totally vulnerable. I love him. The fact that I haven’t found a DVD of The Office’s first season is driving me nuts.

Also, I like the movie’s themes, however scattered they may be at times. Congressman Evan Baxter wants to change the world (according to his winning campaign slogan). Who doesn’t? Even for marketing purposes, everyone wants to change the world.

Sometimes (most of the time?) we complain about not being given enough chances to do so. We make excuses for not doing the right things by saying we’re not given enough time, we’re not allowed to, we never had the opportunity. It’s easier that way. Easier to turn our backs and blame the world for not being nice enough.

We have to look further to see that opportunities abound, but not always given to us on a silver platter. God (Morgan Freeman) said, “If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

In the movie, Evan, like all of us, is given the opportunity to change the world. And what an opportunity it is. It isn't easy. It’s not like volunteering for Gawad Kalinga. God is making Evan do something crazy and unbelievable and stupid by today’s standards. Crazy and unbelievable because God doesn’t appear to people and send boxes of gopherwood (okay, maple and pine) and ancient tools to make an Ark!? And how the hell could anyone build it by himself? Stupid because granted the above were true, who would anyone even want to? Oh, but God does send the materials – and detailed instructions. And it takes all of Evan’s faith to follow Him, but he does.

That’s something. For me, that’s what movie is about. Faith despite our own doubts, despite fear of ridicule, despite abandonment. As God told Evan, “You fought me every step of the way, but you still did it.”

I found that line very striking. Maybe because I’ve had my own whopping share of doubts – about religion, God, doing things in God’s name, etc. My growing up years were a mishmash of internal tug-of-war and philosophical debates about religion and faith, religion vs. faith, blah blah blah. I feel like I’ve traveled through the ages in search of that truth, and I’m thankful that where I am now is truly a comfortable place, where I am at peace with the things I believe in, and the things that I do because of those beliefs. I still yawn whenever I’m inside our Church (old habits die hard I guess hehe) but I still like being a Catholic, however flawed I or my Church is. I incorporate my Catholicism into my multitude of beliefs about this universe and that higher power, which comes in many different forms and incarnations that are not altogether Catholic. This entry would not be enough to explain how I feel about my faith, which transcends religion, but I can relate to Evan because I also fought, every step of the way. And hey, like Evan, I’m still here.

Since the film is about changing the world, it’s also about, well, the world. Why it needs changing in the first place. The “a-ha” angle was of course, the environment: the impacts of market-oriented, corporation-backed onerous land use laws; encroaching on national parks for the sake of “development”; the simple act of ignorantly choosing endangered Amazonian cherry wood over plain maple. God showed Evan a lush natural landscape, then superimposed the high-end housing enclave he was living in to indicate what had been lost because of humans' ambitions. The Great Flood came, of course, from the poorly built man-made lake and dam above the suburb. Some of those touches of environmental awareness and sustainable development wisdom were a little too obvious, but they nonetheless made the little environmental planner in me do a little Evan dance.

I also like the fact the production itself was “environmentally-minded”, offsetting their carbon emissions by planting more than 2000 trees (one for each cast and crew member) near the site and using bikes instead of cars as transportation around the production site. Every little act counts, yes?

In fact, that’s also one of the film’s lessons. How do we change the world? One single Act of Random Kindness at a time.

No excuses, people. Because opportunities to Act are everywhere, for everyone. Asked why he thought God chose him, Evan answered honestly and correctly: “He chose all of us.”

---

Quotes:

Evan Baxter: [Looks into rearview, sees God who just appeared out of nowhere] AAGGGHHHHH! AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
God: [smiling] Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.

---

Joan Baxter: Honey, maybe God didn't mean a literal flood. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge, or emotion, or awareness.
Evan Baxter: If that's true, I am going to be *so pissed*.

---

Evan Baxter: [on the ark, addressing a big crowd] People! The flood is imminent!
[everyone looks around, bewildered, and up at the sunny sky. Evan addresses the heavens]
Evan Baxter: Is it too much to ask for a LITTLE PRECIPITATION?

---

Ark Reporter: What makes you think God chose you?
Evan Baxter: He chose all of us.

---

God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

---

God: How do we change the world?
Evan Baxter: One single act of random kindness at a time.
God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on ground with a stick] One Act, of, Random, Kindness.

---

[Rita voices her disbelieve in Evan's ark]
Rita: Look, I go to church every Sunday.
[Evan doesn't believe her]
Rita: Every "other" Sunday.
[Evan still doesn't believe her]
Rita: I've been to church!

---

Evan Baxter: Do I know you?
God: Not as much as I'd like.

---

God: One nation, under Me, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
[looks over at Evan]
God: How long you wanna do this son? I've got all eternity.
Evan Baxter: [faints dead away]

---

Rita: The way things are going, if he gets any crazier, we might end up in the White House.

---

Ark Reporter: It's September 22nd and we're all still here...awkwarrrd!

mindcrap

I recently looked around my room, surveying the mess that had accumulated over the past year. I began counting the bags that I saw.

When I reached 50, I stopped.

Fifty! More than that actually, because I lost count after 50. And that doesn't include the bags my mother and I share (sosyo).

Egads. How could a person own so many redundant things? This morning I resolutely pulled down several bags from the racks and threw them into a large paper bag. Time for some mid-year cleaning.

I retired a beat-up cotton bag from college, a flaking faux leather bag from 168, a very stained black bag from mama's friend, and some others I mustered enough strength to say goodbye to. I started to feel good after about 10 bags. Tomorrow I'll get back to the lot. Maybe I can manage to clean up my entire room, too (cross your fingers).

They say your room is a reflection of your state of mind. If this is so, then my head must be a complete and utter mess.

Here's the thing: I don't disagree. Which is somehow ironic because I pretty much have everything in life at the moment. Life's a blast. Things are going great.

Yet there's a queasy feeling I just can't let go of. Something at the pit of my stomach that just doesn't feel...right. I can't pinpoint what it is, what causes it and where it leads to. All I know is that it travels through my body and settles in my head, trumping my otherwise brilliant logic. It contradicts what could be a perfectly happy condition. It completely messes things up.

God, what is that? What is this illness, this...syndrome? I need to know because my head is this roomful of beautiful junk, and I think I may need to throw some stuff away. But what?

The Office: Bioman

(warning: not very nice. may even be politically incorrect.)

Last week I was at the office quite early (coz I wanted to leave early haha). It was a nice morning, and I was feeling good. Because I was feeling good I turned on my PC and played my usual morning music.

"Excuse me."

I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard the voice. I looked behind me and saw one of our consultants, a thin-framed Brit with balding white hair and a light liver spots.

"Could you turn the music down?" he said, followed by "it sounds whiny" or some other indistinct mumbling.

Well hey there. Hey hey HEY. David Archuleta hadn't even gotten through his first verse yet. Okay granted, he's Archie and he does sound a bit whiny, but how could have thin-framed Brit possibly known that when he was sitting all the way on the other side of the office?? And the volume on my PC was at the lowest level. The lowest, because I hate loud music. Especially on such a nice morning.

I wanted to huff and puff, but instead I smiled through gritted teeth and took out my earphones. He should be lucky all he heard was Archie, because up next was Cookie belting out Billie Jean, and I'm sure ol' Brit would be tumbling his way to my cubicle to shush me if he heard that. Hmp. Stupid consultants.

A couple of days later I learned that he was shushing people from all corners of the office, people who not only were on the other end of the floor, but were also separated from him by actual, thick walls, and whose music was just as low as mine! Now, I'm all for some peace and quiet and respecting other people's peculiar working conditions, but man, he would come knocking and pointing out noise that no else hears. It's completely baffling. How does he do that?! Bionic ears, I tell you. I think he can hear a pin drop, literally. Must be excruciating. I imagine his entire body vibrating violently whenever he talks.

Hmm, maybe that's why he kept looking at us, everytime we gathered and discussed things at our common area. I thought he merely wanted "to belong". Now I think he wanted to kill us, but restrained himself and simply stared.

Or maybe his superhuman ears were internally bleeding. Must. Not. Smirk.

Shoutout from Paranakyu and its lovely environs

Finally. Southerners represent!

http://southbound.ph

The Office

Seeing that I, despite my declarations of freedom, won’t be leaving my day job anytime soon, I thought I’d take out the misery by writing about the daily happenings in my immediate 9am-6 pm environs, to be filed under ‘the office’ of course. Because sometimes life really is like a sitcom/mockumentary, and when you have your very own Michael Scott, you just can’t resist. I’m still looking for my Dwight Schrute.

Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train. - Jim Halpert